Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
