Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
