The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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