I think my vagina is haunted
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
