If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
