I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
