I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just cut my nipple shaving
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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