I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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