Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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