you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
