The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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