I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
