Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
