my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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