I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am naked and annoyed.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
