This is not my ceiling
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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