my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
