Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
