If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
