So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
