If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
