You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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