I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
