The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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