Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
