my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
