My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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