So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
