Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
