i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
