i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
