we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
