dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
operation have a gay friend backfired
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
