Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
