Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
