I cockslap morals
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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