when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
