I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
