i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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