Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
