I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
