Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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