The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
