We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
