OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
