If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
