And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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