I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
