Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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