i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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