The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
