I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
