I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The adults are the big ones right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
