the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
