Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
