im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
