Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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