feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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