i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
